Fueling the Fire

After a constant battle of being told "You're supposed to look like this," or "You should weigh X amount," or "Your weight should be falling off of you because you're so big." I felt like a complete failure and gave on myself and life.

I tried to have the gastric bypass, but the weight continued to go up instead of down. I hit my highest, just before surgery in 2016. My weight was 369. I was ready to die so when I was diagnosed in 2016 with cancer I thought, This is the perfect time for me to cross. I have nothing left.  My best friend wouldn't let me go without a fight. I agreed to have a hysterectomy - the found cervical cancer in my uterus as well as pre-uterun cancer. The surgery was the last thing I wanted to do. In fact even after the surgery I did very little to survive.

Fast forward. One year to the day I had back surgery. Again the surgery was more for him than for me. No one wanted me around or so I thought. This line of thinking led me to severe depression and self hatred. All I wanted to do was hide. I couldn't understand why my Higher Power was keeping me hostage on earth.

The first week after back surgery I did very little except sleep. A week later something changed. I don't know what changed, but for the first time in a very long time I wanted to live. It wasn't long before I was dressing myself and sitting in the living room. My desire was to be completely independent.

Since then I have slowly been getting better. One month ago I started lifting weights again. I can see and feel the difference in my arms and upper body. My bust size is getting smaller (the only change I'm not happy about). I couldn't see or feel any change in my lower body. The other day when I asked my best friend if there was a difference he said, "Your butt is getting smaller." This both embarrassed and excited me. I couldn't believe he was looking at me and it made me wonder who else looks.

Now I can honestly say I want to live, I want to be a plus size model, and to continue toning my body. I know I'm sexy as Hell because I've caught guys looking at me. It'd been a lot of years since that's happened. I used to hide from the attention. Now the more I get, the more I want. The continued attention just fuels the fire of my dreams.

**NOTE** The first 2 pictures are from 2010 before I reached my highest weight. The third picture was taken last month and the bottom picture was from 2 weeks ago.